A truck crash in El Cerrito has caused a fire and major power outages after several power lines were destroyed during the accident.
A 10-wheel transport truck hauling asphalt crashed on Moeser Lane today after the driver lost control of the vehicle. The truck finally stopped as it crashed into the side of a house, causing the truck to ignite into flames. The truck’s driver was rescued by Detective Sgt. Shawn Maples of the El Cerrito Police Force, who was one of the first to arrive on the scene. Maples found the driver in the debris after he heard him calling for help. Maples, with the help of his fellow rescue workers, was able to pull the man from the overturned vehicle. "We dragged him out in a heartbeat while the truck went up in flames. I just wanted to get him out of there." Said Maples. The driver, who had broken both of his legs in the accident, was taken to John Muir Medical Center, where he remains in serious yet stable condition.
There were several other injuries in the crash. One of the cars, a Honda sedan, had been crushed, trapping its driver inside. Rescue workers were able to save the driver by removing the roof of the car and pulling the driver to safety. Another vehicle, this one carrying a man and a young boy, was forced off the road, crashing the car into the some bushes.
The Crash was heard throughout the neighborhood. "First, I thought it was a major earthquake. This is unbelievable.", said Ruben Sharma, a neighbor to the house the truck had crashed into. Although several people were injured and massive damage was done to the neighborhood, there have not been any deaths.
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This is a revision (fact error), right? This is better, but I'd like to see you combine your first two or three sentences into one lead sentence. As it is, the lead doesn't have quite enough info, and the next two sentences get a little repetitive.
ReplyDeleteShorter paragraphs, please. Also, make each quote a separate paragraph and review quote format and punctuation.
* ... get him out of there," said Maples.
* trapping its (not it’s) driver
* The crash was heard ...
* This is unbelievable," said Ruben Sharma (keep it in past tense like the rest of the story)
15/20
Better, but I still think you still need to combine the info in your first two sentences into a 5W-1H lead. (Your current lead sentence doesn't say when this accident happened.) Good focus on the impact of the crash, though.
ReplyDeleteMore paragraph breaks, please. Make each quote its own paragraph.
Rewrite sentences that start with "there is/are/were" -- that's a sign of passive voice.
15+4=19/20