Fire fighters rescued a man from his home on Annapolis Way,in San Jose, yesterday, as the building burned down around him, trapping him inside.
The victim, Robert Kent, a San Jose resident who is described as in his 50s and retired by San Jose Fire Captain Robert Piper, was found unconscious on his kitchen floor by the rescue team sent into the house. Captain Piper said that Kent had received both second and third-degree burns on almost half of his body. After his rescue, Kent was transported to Valley Medical Center in San Jose, where a nursing supervisor said that his condition was grave.
The fire was report at roughly 3 p.m., and appeared to have started in the kitchen, working its way up through the house and into the attic. According to Piper, the cause of the fire is currently under investigation.
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Your lead paragraph is more than 100 words long. It's supposed to be 25-35 words. (-3)
ReplyDeleteYou've got an amazing story about firemen rescuing a guy was found lying unconscious on his kitchen floor, surrounded by flames ... and your lead opens with "A fire burned down a house"? What were you thinking?
* in his 50s (not 50's)
* "Although alive, Capt. Piper said ..." (Yes, he'd have a hard time talking if he were dead. This is an example of a dangling modifier.)
* "The itself was report at ..." Huh?
Tighten it up. You don't need to say "when asked about" ... just say: Kent was taken (transported sounds like freight) to Valley Medical Center in San Jose, where a nursing supervisor said his condition was “grave.”
14/20 - please revise