Tuesday, May 4, 2010

broadcast lead #2

TWO HIT BY TRAIN
30 SEC.

RICHMOND WAS HOST TO A TRAGIC ACCIDENT TODAY.
TWO PEDESTRIAN WERE STRUCK AND KILLED BY AN AMTRAK TRAIN EARLIER TODAY NEAR CARLSON BOULEVARD AND OHIO AVENUE AT AROUND 1:40 P.M.. THE 39 PASSENGERS ABOURD THE TRAIN, THAT WAS TTRAVELLING FROM OAKLAND TO BAKERSFEILD, WERE ESCORTED ON FOOT TO THE NEAREST STATION AND BOARDED ANOTHER TRAIN. AS OF NOW, THE VICTIMS RAMAIN TO BE IDENTIFIED.
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1 comment:

  1. AnonymousMay 8, 2010 at 7:03 AM

    I don't think "host" is the right word. You could just start by saying something like:

    A TRAGIC ACCIDENT TODAY IN RICHMOND TODAY ... TWO PEDESTRIAN WERE STRUCK AND KILLED BY AN AMTRAK TRAIN.

    Then tell how it happened.

    Misspellings/Typos:
    * ABOURD
    * TTRAVELLING
    * BAKERSFEILD
    * RAMAIN

    Paragraph breaks! And that last sentence is awkwardly phrased. How about: THE VICTIMS HAVE NOT YET BEEN IDENTIFIED. Remember, people need to understand it the first time they hear it, so it has to be simple and clear.

    5/10 - want to revise?

    ReplyDelete

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